Lost a piece of myself
Friday, June 13th, 2008I am sad to say that late last April, my deareast oldest sister passed away. Although she was not 100% healthy, we all thought that she would have many many years ahead of her.
It all started with a text message from my other sister in the middle of the night when I was sleeping peacefully, telling me the sad news. For a minute I thought it was a dream, but hearing my sister sobbing when she picked up the phone brought the reality.
My family was very understanding, they told me that I did not have to go home. I thought about it for a short while and decided that I had to go home. I was all over the place, but found my focus a bit later. I managed to book myself on the next flight, sent out emails to my team telling them what to do while I am away, cancelled plans with friends, emailed my boss that I have to leave without even discussing anything with her.
Morning arrive and friends started to call and sent text messages. I deliberately did not answer any calls, too exhausted and knew that I would just cried again if I answered any of those calls. They were all very supportive and wanted to help. My boss called, and I had to pick up the phone, then I broke down, I was just sobbing and could not say many words to her.
The rest was a blur… I was calm as long as I did not have to talk to anybody about my loss. I even made lots of jokes during the way… I guess I tried to over compensate.
In Jakarta, I arrived a day after the funeral. Everybody sad but amazingly being at peace with the loss. My mom cried when she talked about the funeral, nobody expexts they will see their child to die before them. It was very comforting to be with my family. I did not even want to contact any of my friends, I did not have much time and energy.
I found the most significant factor that helped us was our believe in God. I am not a religious person but I am hoping that my sister is currently at a better place and hoping that maybe one day I will meet her again. Made me wonder what an atheist or agnostic think when to lose their loved ones? What will help them go through the sadness?
Also, I learnt that the true reason for me to go home was for me, not for my sister, not for my parents. I knew my sister would not mind if I did not go home. But I needed to go home, I needed reassurance that the rest of my family is still strong, I needed the comfort and love that they could provide me.
But I can’t help to feel that I do lost a piece of myself though. I realised that my sibblings are a part of me. Somehow I felt a small part of myself is gone when she passed away. But I am lucky that I have three other wonderful siblings and know that they will be there for me when I need them. Also for my dearest oldest sister Ari, I know she is watching me and sending her love.
Love you sis… and we miss you.
